[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
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“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.