[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
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Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too