Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
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‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.