Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
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You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.