Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
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I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.