My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
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Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.