[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
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Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
My biological clock is wheezing.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I like long walks away from everyone
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.