Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
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Me: Same
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…