“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
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Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Home #decor warning.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!