Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
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If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.