no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
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hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Reporter: *ports again*
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
October already? What’s next? November????
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.