Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
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Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
man i love columbo
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef