I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
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Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
pelicons
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s