I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
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Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Customize Your Wedding.