[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
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A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
(Jupiter –
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.