Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
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People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Who.
Did.
This?