[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
You Might Also Like
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are