My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
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Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep