Batman v Dracula
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Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind