* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
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Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot