“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
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The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
why would tinder want me to say this
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*