My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
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Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
is this a threat
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.