Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
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[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs