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[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body