Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
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Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.