Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
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A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Breaking news:
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed