*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
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it’s finally my moment to shine
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*