[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
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What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.