I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
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I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Ape together strong
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family