Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
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(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Butt weight. There’s more!
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes