Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
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Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.