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Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.