Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
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All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.