These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
You Might Also Like
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
my astrological sign is a french fry
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.