Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
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[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔