Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
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Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Hard not to take this personally
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong