Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
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My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Yup.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …