You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
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White Castle for the Win
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
*gets down on one knee*
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
giddy up Office Depot
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’