I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
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I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works