When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
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ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.