Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
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BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.