baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
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*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this