I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
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My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.