My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
You Might Also Like
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.