I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
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A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
NASA has no chill
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Just a friendly reminder!
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*