My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
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*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues