me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
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Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs