me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
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Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.