[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
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Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”