her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
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The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.